Real Housewives or Real Bitches???

More like Real Housewives Bitches of Bravo, if you ask me.

If you know me or follow me on Twitter (insert shameless plug for @ImStillToni here), you know that I am a fan of the entire RH franchise going back to Day 1 of OC; however, the additions of ATL, NYC, and NJ have now brought my (and many others) level of fandom to an entire new level. Love them, hate them, or constantly make fun of them, odds are if you are a fan of reality tv and have a vajayjay* you probably watch at least one city. *This blog is strictly vajayjay/peen friendly. The day I refer to my lady parts as “chuckie” is the day I stop drinking wine or Coors Light and we all know that will NEVER happen.

I’m not going to delve into the juicy back stories….c’mon I know and you know we ALL know the back stories. Screw all the “team” BS, I have my faves I have rode with since day one (Bethenny, NeNe, Jenna, and Danielle), others I have grown to like (Alex & Simon, Ramona & Mario), those I have always hated (CountLESS, the entire Manzo family, Teresa and her greasy trunknecked hubby Joe, Tamra, and Kelly), and those I tolerated but never really liked (Jacqueline & Lynn Curtain, pay attention PUHLEASE). Due to my personal interactions with Kim Z, I can admit I used to like her but at this point I don’t even give a shit about her anymore. I guess I WILL be tardy for the party, smooches Kim!

All that aside, I have NEVER been so personally disgusted, annoyed, and offended by ANY Bravo housewife more than Jill Zarin. With every fiber of my being, I would rather get an STD before I watch one more season of NYC with Jill on it. Instead of Peta’s red paint on fur, I’d probably would throw non-kosher food at Jill’s face if I saw her in passing in the city (Jill’s ONLY saving grace is Bobby. I would refrain from that if Bobby was there, BUT I’m not opposed to tell that bitch that I am UP HERE while her and the Cuntess (yea, I like that better) are down there.

Since I am officially a New Yawker now (I put in my 10 yrs, I’m due) and in honor of the clusterfuck that is NYC and NJ, I decided to list the Top Things I have learned from watching the Real Bitches of Bravo, Tristate edition aka The Shit Anyone With a Speck of Intelligence Should Know that I’ve learned from watching RH (in no particular order):

· Gummi bears and jelly beans are healthier for you and not processed. In addition, Corona and Patron are NOT considered alcohol to those people who jog in sweaters or in front of oncomming NYC traffic, so SSTTTTOOOOOPPPPPPP!

· You can become a Kodak spokesperson just be claiming it to be so (it also helps to pimp out another family member, make then use Kodak, and then constantly Tweet about it for promotional purposes/publicity. I cannot wait for the child to go to college and get put on blast for using a Cannon instead).

· Contrary to popular belief (and Emily Post’s etiquette), you can call media outlets like Today to demand to know why you were not invited.

· Having a little rat dog to lick out your boogers is completely hygienic and normal, plus it preserves your manicure; however, it is important to note if your dog continues to shit all over the house, perhaps the dog is just not that into you.

· Being fashionably late = arriving to the party 10 minutes after the invitation start time states. Declining an invitation for an out of town Bachelorette trip only to show up later, unannounced and with husband’s peen in tow = PRICELESS (and cunty..yea I said it, Jill Zarin is cunty.)

· If you do not know the answer to something, (or anything) it’s in THE BOOK. No, not the Bible. Or the Koran. Or the Torah. THE BOOK. Just ask Susan Sanders, she’ll fill you in.

· It is wrong to defend yourself against “the Family” when attacked. You are expected to continue eating the shit “The Family” gives you and if you do anything in retaliation you will be considered crazy rather than just pissed off. Personally, I’m the type of bitch that would catch a charge if a group of pseudo-Mafioso even attempted to defame me a fraction of what Danielle gets.

· A divorced parent forging a consent form for a minor is PERFECTLY normal and legal in Franklin Lakes, regardless of the father’s legal rights.

· A short, stumpy, and greasy Italian man who only let’s his wife pay in cash = legit business owner. Waste management is apparently no longer an acceptable cover in New Jersey.

· The more you proclaim to be a “decorator,” the tackier, more cluttered, and ugly your house becomes as a result.

· It is perfectly normal film your ridiculously expensive wedding on VH1 and yet refuse to be on a show on Bravo and make your spouse look like a divorcee. (You stay classy, Tommy Manzo!)

· There is no such thing as paying your debt to society OR privacy when you have a cackle of bitter, unemployed bitches on your ass.

· Wine is the new water. (The day I can buy a bottle while idling at the Fordham exit off the Deegan, my life will be offically complete!)

· Former disgraced police commissioners make the BEST dog trainers.

· If you ever claim “you’re starving” two pieces of melon so hit the spot as a meal!

· Apparently not everyone is aware of the Bro Code (also known as just the Code) and it’s perfectly acceptable to date your friend’s siblings while getting paid by their father. (Me personally, I despise people that break the Code. Have a shred of integrity before allowing a already known & friendly pen to dip into your ink, kwim?)

· It’s cool to finally have a baby after years of infertility or complications only to ignore your first born child. Bonus points if you somehow point out what a mistake the first born child was to his or her face. Extra bonus points: If you are infertile, your friend refers you to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist aka a fertility doc) that results in you ending up carrying to term and giving birth to a healthy child, by all means give SOLE credit to the woman that bought u a crappy bracelet from her Energist Zen Jen. (Yea, we all know “energist” is not even a real word, but this just proves you can learn something new with every RH episode.)

· Rich people have fun throwing around food. Enough Said. 

 

And most importantly (PAY ATTENTION, PUHLEASE):

-Buddha statues are the new Jesus on the Crosses. (Pssst, don’t tell the Pope.)

-Table flipping is the new foreplay.

-The “Rich” stay rich by begging for freebie. Ironically, Jill Zarin ends up fulfilling the Jewish stereotype in the process. MAZEL JILL!

-“Skinnygirl” and “Skinny” are brands we associate with Bethenny. Teresa, on the other hand just steals other people’s idea & thoughts only to perpetrate as if they are hers. Anyone with a hairline like THAT cannot be evolved enough to know people would laugh at her book titile after seeing her fat, slimy but equally fertile husband Joe.

-And especially for the ladies: If it’s your time of the money, don’t make or be involved with the making of red sauce because you will spoil it. What’s red sauce? Well it’s basically just tomato sauce….but I’d hate to see what white sauce is to these goombas. Sidebar: Doesn’t Juicy Joe (who is forevermore referred to as Greasy Joe) remind you of either…

 

OR  

What do you guys think? What have YOU learned from RH? Cannot wait to see what happens with Hurricane Kellamity tonight – perhaps I’ll even blog about tonights ep (although my girl LynnNChicago is doing a damed good job already…stop by and say hello, I’m always there my damned self).

Next up….my feelings on the finale/winner of Survivor HvVil, which I am still trying to process…don’t even get me STARTED about the move to Sundays. Just stab me in the heart there, Probst (but if it helps take TAR down, so be it.). So glad you decided to stop by a join MY circle of friends…as long as you don’t steal my shine, I’ll let you stick around for a while – but be sure to kiss my ass with a comment occassionally so my I can feel like the HBIC I believe I am in my own mind.

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  • Comments (5)
  1. Hahhahha! Those were fabulous points made. I might have some additions in a few days. 🙂 Yes, Jill Zarin went from my favorite housewife to the most despicable one.

  2. Word mrtinigrl! I'd tolerate Caroline Manzo before I'd put up with Jill….as much as I hate to admit it at least Caroline has the balls to talk shit to your face instead of behind your back. WAY more justifiable to punch in the throat when it's upfront lmao

  3. I bow to the Queen! Hilarous!!! We need to double team em! Love it!!!

    • Kat
    • May 25th, 2010

    Reading this brought tears to my eyes, and while I was laughing I woke my partner up at 3AM, thank you very much!

    PS Your link to Lynn is old. The new url is:
    http://lynnnchicago101.wordpress.com/2010/05/25/i-hate-jill-zarin-real-housewives-of-new-jersey-5-24-10/

    Thanks for the great read. 🙂

    • I’m on the old link Kat, thanks! She changes those URLs like the the Real Housewives change their faces!

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